Had all day to reflect about Mr. Williams while at work.
When I got off, one of the first songs to play on my Spotify playlist was Ab-Soul’s “Book of Soul” (recommended listening for anyone who has ever lost a love one—especially a lover). I always think of _________ when I hear that song. Today I was rewarded with an ultra vivid memory of our time together.
Her hugs were the most healing thing I’ve ever experienced.
My mind transported me to a moment when she scared the shit out of me (not on purpose, entirely) when I went to pick her up for a date. I had the music on, and didn’t hear her walk up, so I guess she was by my passenger side window for a minute or two, and then she said “Hi, gorgeous” (her go-to greeting to me) and I almost jumped through the roof.
She was laughing hysterically while apologizing to me. I got out of the car, because every time I saw her I HAD to hug her. She was always my drug of choice. I remember the soft, perfect crispness of her hands, as she caressed my face while hugging and kissing me, and apologizing to me (while laughing at me a little).
I remembered the way a little of her melted away each time we embraced, I remembered the sounds she made, and I even remembered her scent. And I remembered the way she smiled at me once we were done hugging. A few months later, she had taken her own life, and all I was left with were bittersweet memories like that one.
I will never stop being upset when I think about all the time I was robbed of with her, because she was really all I wanted and needed, and overnight, she was completely out of my life, and it was through no fault of my own. I loved her with every ounce of my heart, soul, and energy. But I also understood that while my love probably made her live longer, and it was enough to get her through most days, depression, demons, and suicide are real things. Of course I wish she had said something, or stuck around longer, but I never blamed her for taking her own life, as crushed as I was to no longer be able to talk to, see, hear, touch, feel, or smell her.
Today one of my heroes took his own life. I feel almost selfish saying he was a hero, because so many people loved him, and were touched by his passing, but he truly had a huge impact on me and will always be one of my favorite people to have ever lived. When he went into rehab recently, I was worried, because I know he had tried his best to stay clean for so long, so I figured things must be pretty bad if he had to check himself into rehab in his sixties.
I will probably write more about this on a blog later (I can’t wait to hear someone say that THIS is already a blog, because people are afraid to read in 2014, hahahahahaha ugh) and I will probably make it personal, because I like to talk about how things and people make me feel, and I also love reading about how other people are affected by things that I can relate to. (I don’t understand why people complain when writers talk about themselves while paying tribute to others, because just like everything else, if it bothers you, just don’t read it)
This was a great day of loss for so many, but I think it’s also a day to remember a man who brought us so much joy and laughs over the years. Death (even suicide) can’t take away our memories. It can’t take away Mork, Garp, Patch, or Doubtfire. It can’t stop The Fisher King, World’s Greatest Dad, Good Morning Vietnam, or One Hour Photo from being awesome. It can’t make “Live at the Met” not exist.
I’ve heard a little cynicism, judgment and picking, and a lot of shock, loss, and sadness. I’m going to do my best to continue to reflect, and I’m happy to say that I’ve seen a lot of people I love and respect reflecting as well. I’m also going to watch a shitload of his movies, scenes, sketches, interviews, and other things.
Robin Williams walked alongside me for pretty much my entire life, but the beauty of technology, is that he will continue to do so as long as I live. I just wish I could have met him. He seemed warm, charming, and heavyhearted in the way that I often feel heavyhearted. I wish he had been happier and was able to stick around longer, and I wish his demons didn’t continue being a factor, but I hope that now he is able to rest peacefully and laugh again.
Thanks for everything, Robin. I sincerely love you and miss you like a brother